The Pain of Terminating a Wanted Pregnancy | Maureen & Melissa's Story

When you're told that the baby you've been dreaming of has genetic abnormalities incompatible with life, what are your options? In this story, Maureen and Melissa open up about their experience terminating a much-wanted pregnancy for medical reasons, the ways they healed together, and how they moved forward.

In this article:

• Meet Maureen & Melissa
• Finding the Right Family-Building Team
• The Process of Choosing a Sperm Donor
• Ready to Grow Again
• Is our baby going to be okay?
• What is termination for medical reasons (TFMR)?
• A Heartbreaking Dilemma
• The Connection Between Abortion & TFMR
• Undergoing Termination for Medical Reasons (TFMR)
• Finding Ways to Heal After Loss
• Guidance for Grieving Parents
• Navigating the Guilt of TFMR
• TFMR & Miscarriage: Similar, But Different
• Trying to Conceive After TFMR
• The Journey to Baby Brendan
• Embracing the Gift of Parenthood

TW: This article contains descriptions of termination for medical reasons (TFMR), stillbirth, and the experience of infant loss.

Meet Maureen & Melissa

Before they'd even met, Maureen and Melissa were already orbiting in similar universes, unbeknownst to the future couple. They both grew up in New York state, attended Manhattanville College (graduating five years apart), and shared mutual friends. 

However, it wasn't until Maureen started volunteering with the soccer team at the Boys & Girls Club in Greenwich, Connecticut (where Melissa worked) that the two officially connected and hit it off. As the story often goes, the rest was history!

"We have both known since day one that we wanted to be parents," says Maureen. "We got married in November 2019, and our plan was to go on our honeymoon and then start the process of building our family right after." When the COVID-19 pandemic suddenly derailed those plans, the newlyweds decided to pivot and pursue parenthood first. "We're actually happy it ended up that way," she adds.

Finding the Right Family-Building Team   

The couple officially began their fertility journey in 2020, navigating some additional challenges due to the pandemic, but never wavering in their commitment to expand their family.

"We had heard about Illume Fertility through friends of ours in New Jersey who had already started their journey," Maureen shares. "We decided to give it a try, and felt so comfortable from the very first day; that's when we knew this was the place for us."

The Doctor-Patient Relationship

The couple was introduced to Dr. Ilana Ressler and immediately loved the rapport they had. "She thoroughly explained the process and what the journey would entail," Maureen says. Even after Dr. Ressler left Illume's Danbury, CT location to launch the clinic's new Harrison, NY office, Maureen and Melissa continued to value her guidance and support.

While they loved the strong bond they'd built with Dr. Ressler, they enjoyed working with all of the doctors at Illume. "Every time we left an appointment with a doctor we hadn’t yet met, we would look at each other and say, 'I really liked him/her,'" Maureen says. "Every doctor here wants you to succeed - you can just tell that they truly enjoy what they do!"

The Process of Choosing a Sperm Donor

After their initial consultation with Dr. Ressler and getting to know their Illume Care Team, they decided they would both undergo genetic carrier testing in order to select a sperm donor who would be compatible with both of them, as they wanted their children to share a genetic connection. 

"We had some potential donors who we thought were perfect, but wouldn’t have been a great fit genetically," Maureen recalls. "Jamie Speer (our genetic counselor) was amazing at walking us through that overwhelming process." They finally found a sperm donor who was a good genetic fit and were able to get the number of vials they needed.

Becoming First-Time Moms

Since Melissa was older than Maureen, they decided that she would be the one to carry their first pregnancy. "Once we were ready to go, we were extremely fortunate to have success on our first IUI attempt," Maureen shares. "Melissa had a very smooth pregnancy and we welcomed our first son Carter into the world on April 30, 2021."

Why does age matter? Nurse Practitioner Monica Moore explores the reasons to consider the age of the carrying parent before proceeding with fertility treatment.

Struggling to conceive?

We're here to help you find the right path forward. Take our free fertility assessment and gain personalized insights, recommended treatment options, and more helpful information.

Ready to Grow Again

After settling in to their new life as a family of three, the couple decided they were ready to start the process again. This time, Maureen planned to be the one undergoing treatment and carrying the pregnancy. 

In 2022, after two unsuccessful IUI attempts, she finally got a positive pregnancy test. They were cautiously optimistic, but when Maureen began to notice some bleeding towards the end of the two week wait, the couple assumed they were heading towards another failed cycle.

To their surprise, Maureen's official bloodwork came back positive, confirming the pregnancy. "We repeated the bloodwork several times, and our [beta hCG] numbers just kept increasing," she remembers. "We were so excited to find out that this cycle had worked!"

After having many ultrasounds to track the progression of the pregnancy, the couple was elated to hear a strong heartbeat. "We were told that our fetus was tracking several days behind in growth, but eventually were able to graduate to our OB, so we thought we were in the clear," she says.

Is our baby going to be okay?

"At our first ultrasound, the tech took a long time getting the doctor, which made us really nervous," Maureen says. "When the doctor came in the room, he told us that our baby (who we called Pickle) was tracking very small and that we had very low amniotic fluid." The couple were instructed to get further genetic testing performed that same day to try and figure out why Pickle was so small.

When the doctor received the test results, he informed Maureen and Melissa that their baby had a chromosomal abnormality. He recommended they begin seeing maternal fetal medicine (MFM) specialists at Yale to follow their progress.

The doctor then suggested that they consider terminating the pregnancy, as Pickle's chances of survival were waning. "We were devastated - this wasn't something we ever imagined would happen," Maureen admits. "We decided to continue on, because we couldn't imagine terminating our pregnancy at that time. It was such a complete shock to us, even though we knew our baby was still a bit behind in growth."

What is termination for medical reasons (TFMR)?

Termination for medical reasons (TFMR) occurs when a pregnancy is ended due to a serious fetal condition or risk to the birthing person's health. This decision is made with guidance from a medical professional after careful consideration, and can be emotionally devastating - regardless of the circumstances.

For those who have undergone fertility treatment, the emotional impact of TFMR can be profound. After years of trying to conceive, often facing significant financial and emotional burdens, the loss of a wanted pregnancy can feel particularly cruel.

The following organizations offer resources ranging from practical information about TFMR to support groups to financial assistance, which can help pay for therapy, house cleaning, meal delivery, and other services.

• TFMR Mamas
• Ending a Wanted Pregnancy
• The Finley Project
• Postpartum Support International
• Empty Arms Bereavement Support 

Learning More About Pickle

"When we began going to Yale, we were so overwhelmed," Maureen recalls. "We had so many different doctors, different opinions, and what seemed like little to no time to make a decision." Even though everyone was supportive and expressed support for whatever decision the couple made, they still remember it being a terrifying and surreal experience.

After an amniocentesis, countless ultrasounds, and more bloodwork, Maureen and Melissa learned that Pickle’s chromosomal abnormality was a microdeletion in chromosome 1. This was a little known abnormality with a wide range of affects, from none to severe physical and mental defects.

Doctors told them that with this abnormality, on top of his severe growth restriction and critically low amniotic fluid, Pickle would almost certainly be severely prematurely born, and his chances of survival would be based on how long he could survive in the womb.

A Heartbreaking Dilemma

"We were petrified and knew we needed to make a decision quickly, because I was already 22 weeks pregnant [23 weeks is the cutoff for termination in Connecticut]," Maureen says. The couple went to their final doctor's appointment loaded with a list of questions, and were seen by a physician named Dr. Wong.

"It was as if God sent her that day as a way of answering everything for us," Maureen shares. "Before we could even ask our questions, Dr. Wong had answered them in the most professional, honest, and empathetic way." While she couldn’t definitively answer what Pickle’s future would look like should he be born, she laid out all of the possible scenarios with complete honesty and realism.

In that office, at 22 weeks and 5 days pregnant, the couple make the gut-wrenching decision to terminate the pregnancy in order to spare their baby boy the pain he would ultimately experience. "We felt so lost, defeated, and sad," Maureen remembers. "We went straight to the hospital from that doctor’s appointment, and I can’t remember if we said anything to each other the entire car ride."

The Connection Between Abortion & TFMR

The topic of abortion can bring up a wide range of emotions, depending on your beliefs and circumstances. While the term is frequently used in reference to the termination of an unplanned pregnancy, access to abortion is also critical for families who need to pursue termination of a much-wanted (and planned for) pregnancy.

Here are a few reasons why:

• Medical necessity: TFMR is a medical procedure performed to protect the health or life of the pregnant person. Denying access to abortion in these cases puts the person's health at significant risk.
• Time-sensitive decisions: In many cases of TFMR, the decision must be made quickly, often within a narrow window of time. Restrictive abortion laws can delay or prevent access to necessary care, potentially leading to serious health consequences.
• Emotional well-being: The decision to terminate a wanted pregnancy for medical reasons is often extremely difficult. Access to safe and legal abortion allows individuals to make this decision with dignity and control, potentially minimizing long-term emotional trauma.
• Comprehensive healthcare: Access to abortion is a fundamental component of reproductive healthcare. Restricting access to abortion undermines the ability of healthcare providers to provide comprehensive and compassionate care to their patients.

Photos: Donovan shortly after birth; Carter holding Brendan; newborn Brendan. Credit: Melissa Wilson Photography

Undergoing Termination for Medical Reasons (TFMR)

When the couple arrived at Yale, they received excellent care.

"The nurses there made this experience as positive as it could have been," Maureen adds. "They ensured we were comfortable and any needs we had were met." Her labor was difficult (both physically and emotionally), as she experienced some severe medication side effects and the couple were already grieving the end result of the process.

On May 4, 2023, Maureen gave birth to their son, whom they named Donovan. He was stillborn, weighing just 11.2 ounces and measuring 9.5 inches long. "We were able to hold him and spend time with him, which provided us with much needed healing," Maureen says.

"The hospital staff was incredible - they even provided us with a box of items for Donovan," she adds. One of the most treasured items they received in that box was a stuffed animal lion that they filled to Donovan’s exact birth weight. "Our son Carter takes extra special care of his Donovan lion to this day," Maureen says.

"One of our nurses came in and gave Donovan his own little photoshoot, taking photos that we are going to cherish forever." Afterwards, the heartbroken moms were moved to a different room so they could spend more time with their baby boy.

Saying Goodbye

"When we decided to have the nurses take him, we were devastated," Maureen says. The couple had initially filled out paperwork directing the hospital to take the baby after birth and plan a burial, as they weren't initially sure if they could manage such a difficult process. "But handing Donovan over to the nurses was a feeling we cannot put into words - we knew we would never get to hold our little boy again."

Maureen remembers the day they were discharged from the hospital as one of the hardest days of her life. "Leaving the hospital, seeing other new parents with their car seats and diaper bags ready to go was devastating," she says. "As we were driving away from the hospital, we both knew we'd made a mistake in deciding to have them bury our son."

Bringing Donovan Home

That night, Maureen frantically called the hospital and the funeral home to try to talk to someone before Donovan was moved. Thankfully, she received a phone call the next day letting her know that Donovan was safe, still at the hospital, and that they could always change their minds and have their baby boy brought to them. 

"From there, our amazing funeral director took care of everything," Maureen says. "We had to order the tiniest urn you ever could see, but it was perfect - we had so much closure when we finally had our son back home with us."

The days and weeks following the loss of their son were agonizing. "For me - going from pregnant to not pregnant (and no child to hold)...that is the cruelest thing any human could ever have to bear," Maureen says. "Melissa felt lost in that she was grieving, but also knew that she needed to support me."

Unraveling Genetics

Genetic counselors from Illume Fertility worked with the genetics team at Yale to help Maureen and Melissa understand what had happened with Donovan, and how to hopefully avoid it in the future. "Both counselors were incredibly communicative and honest," she adds. "This gave us more peace of mind as we moved forward with our journey."

After the couple found out about Donovan’s genetic issues, their genetic counselor at Yale reached out to the sperm bank, who then contacted the couple's donor to request more bloodwork.

"Our donor had no obligation to even respond to the request, yet he had no hesitation about going in for additional testing to help us understand Donovan’s condition further," Maureen shares. "This solidified for us that we had chosen an amazing person as our donor - someone who clearly had amazing character and integrity."

Finding Ways to Heal After Loss

After losing Donovan, the most important thing to Maureen and Melissa was their family. "We made sure to put each other before anything else," Maureen says. "We supported one another, talked a lot, and focused on our son Carter, which helped us heal together."

They also found other ways to process their grief, which they share below.

Leaning On Faith

For many, faith in a higher power can also bring comfort in dark times. This was especially true for Maureen and Melissa, who belong to an episcopal church. "Our priest was so supportive through the entire experience, which helped immensely," Maureen says. "We had spoken to her prior to making our decision [to terminate the pregnancy], and she provided nothing but comfort, reminding us that when a decision is made out of love, God knows."

Maureen also read a book titled "Heaven is For Real," which was a major comfort to her and helped immensely throughout the healing process. 

"We believe this experience only deepened our faith," Maureen adds. "We also know that everything happens for a reason - God chose us to have this story to tell, and we plan to tell it." The couple emphasizes their belief that Donovan and all babies that have been lost deserve to have their names spoken, just as often as any living child.

Noticing Special Signs

In addition to their faith, the couple found comfort in the 'signs' they received from Donovan. "Although he is not here with us physically, he sends us signs on an almost daily basis to let us know he is our protector," Maureen says.

"Shortly after our loss, I sat on our front steps and asked Donovan to send me a blue butterfly," she recalls. "Minutes later, a butterfly (not blue, but I cut him some slack) flew right in front of me! Ever since, butterflies have consistently shown up in our lives."

One of the gifts the couple received after Donovan's passing was a beautiful framed piece of artwork from a relative: a tree with his name written below it. However, instead of leaves, the tree was adorned with blue butterflies. "I began crying the minute I opened it," Maureen says. "I told my cousin why I was crying, and she said, 'That’s incredible, because there were so many choices I could have made - he must have helped me choose those blue butterflies."

Seeking Connection

The couple found their experience with the TFMR process to be eye-opening. As they searched for related podcasts and support groups, they were surprised by just how many people had been placed in the gut-wrenching position to decide the fate of their own child - often based on very limited information.

"We all want to make the right choice for our child and never want to see them in pain," Maureen says. "We also must keep our own health in mind, especially when we have other children depending on us."

Working With a Therapist

For Maureen in particular, therapy was an important tool for healing.

Something her therapist said has stuck with her to this day: "She told me, 'I’m not going to get you over it, I am going to help you through it. This is not something you will ever get over - but you will get through it," Maureen recalls. That conversation changed her entire perspective and made the healing process much easier.

Practicing Self Care

Maureen also took up hiking and embraced the solitude of the great outdoors. "Being alone in nature was so peaceful," she says. "I could allow myself to feel all of the emotions that I was going through."

You're not alone.

Explore gentle reminders, helpful coping tools, and where to turn for support as you process the complex grief surrounding loss.

Guidance for Grieving Parents

After experiencing such an intense loss, Maureen says she wants to share what she's learned with others who may be navigating a similar trauma. Here are her suggestions:

• Allow yourself to feel all the emotions and don’t be afraid to talk about them.
• Lean on your partner or support network (and/or seek out a therapist).
• Know that the healing process will look different for each person involved.
• Don't be afraid to ask for help. It's okay not to be okay, but also important to take the steps you need to to get through it (though you won't ever get OVER it).
• Find people who can relate by listening to podcasts, joining a support group, or whatever feels right to you.
• Only you know what you’re feeling and thinking, so only you know what can help you feel comforted. Grief is a terrible feeling, especially when dealing with TFMR. The guilt is unbearable some days, so make sure you have a support system and make use of it.
• Forgive yourself and remember that you did nothing wrong.
• Take time to grieve and focus on healing, don't rush ahead too quickly.

Even if it's hard to believe some days, you are not alone in this. So many people have experienced TFMR, but (understandably) not many people like to talk about it. Lastly, says Maureen, "Remember that your baby is always with you, even though you might not be able to see and hold them. They will always be a part of you, your family, and your story."

Navigating the Guilt of TFMR

One thing Maureen and Melissa noticed after losing Donovan was a weighty, indescribable guilt. "You wish you could trade spots with your child so they can live the life they deserve, yet you’re still here, and they are not," Maureen shares. "The guilt of having to make that decision [to terminate] is something that I don’t think I’ll ever get over."

She also experienced moments of intense shame, anger, and confusion. "I asked our priest, 'What could God possibly be punishing us for?' along with many other questions," she admits. "Finally, after the healing process, I began shifting my perspective from 'Why us?' to 'God chose us, let’s try to make a difference.'"

TFMR & Miscarriage: Similar, But Different

After losing Donovan, the couple realized that people would try to commiserate and comfort them by mentioning their experiences with miscarriage. "Whenever we heard, 'I had a miscarriage, so I understand how you feel,' we would almost feel angry (and then feel guilty for being angry)," Maureen admits.

While they learned to politely respond to these sentiments with gratitude, the sense of anger stemmed from a belief that there was no way these people could possibly know how they felt.

"You didn’t have to choose this for your child, you weren’t placed in a position to have to make that decision," Maureen remembers thinking. "We couldn't imagine the pain of a miscarriage, and having it happen with no warning has to be so difficult, but we haven’t experienced that form of loss, so we can’t say that we understand their feelings."

Losing a child is never easy. It is quite possibly the worst experience a parent can have. However, everyone’s experience is unique. Maureen and Melissa felt thankful for all of the support they received from family and friends, but found it difficult to talk about their loss.

"We almost felt ashamed by some of the emotions that came up," Maureen says. "Despite all of that, we want to ensure that people do not feel isolated, alone, or ashamed of their own situation - that's why we chose to share our story."

Photos: Maureen, Carter & Brendan; the whole family; Melissa, Brendan & Carter. Credit: Melissa Wilson Photography

Trying to Conceive After TFMR

Shortly after their loss, the couple reached out to their team at Illume, knowing it could take some time before they achieved another successful pregnancy (and wanting to give Carter another sibling close in age). One thing that was important to them was ensuring that everyone in the family was ready to move forward before they took the next step.

"We made sure that Carter understood that he had a brother in Heaven, and we both knew that we were ready to have another baby," Maureen shares. "Our nurse, Ashley, and Dr. Ressler were amazing at supporting us through the entire journey. Anything we weren't ready for, they understood - and anything we said we were ready for, they set up for us in a timely manner."

IVF Cycle #1

After the heartbreak of losing Donovan, Maureen and Melissa decided to switch to in vitro fertilization (IVF) so they could test their embryos for genetic conditions before transfer.

While preimplantation genetic testing (PGT) couldn't rule out the possibility of complications in the future, "having a 'genetically normal' embryo transferred is the best start we felt we could have," Maureen says. "We felt much more confident moving forward knowing this information."

In addition to being able to assess the chromosomal makeup of their embryos, another benefit of PGT was it allowed Maureen and Melissa to select the gender (biological sex) of the embryo before transfer. "With Carter, we kept his gender a surprise until he was born, and that was our plan with Donovan as well," Maureen shares. "However, after we found out that Donovan was a boy, we felt that Carter was destined to have another brother."

"Since we had two healthy male embryos, we decided to transfer them first," she adds. "We were lucky enough to have success on our very first embryo transfer."

The Journey to Baby Brendan

"On the day our son Brendan was born, we were over the moon," Maureen remembers. "We know that Donovan was there with us, because whenever things weren't going according to plan, they would suddenly change and work out in our favor."

The couple found comfort in the knowledge that their angel baby was watching over them during Maureen's labor and delivery. "Brendan arrived healthy, and we could not have asked for anything more than that," she adds.

Embracing the Gift of Parenthood

"Being a parent is the best feeling in the world," Maureen says. "Those middle of the night feedings and never-ending diaper changes can be grueling, but they are often my favorite moments; when it’s 3 a.m. and your baby looks up at you with a smile, it's worth it all."

The grateful moms feel lucky they were able to realize their dream of becoming parents - in spite of the difficult, dark moments they had to face along the way. "We never take it for granted," Maureen says. "The unconditional love you feel for your children (no matter how much they may test your limits, push your buttons, or wake you up at night) is a heart-melting feeling that I pray all those having trouble with fertility will get to experience."

"I love coming home after a long day, hearing the pitter patter of little steps and a voice exclaiming 'Mama!' as those tiny arms tightly wrap around my neck," Maureen says. "I think the best part about being a parent is seeing your children smile and do things that you have taught them."

What does the future hold?

While Maureen and Melissa are open to adding more children to their family, the financial burden of affording fertility treatment as a same-sex couple is holding them back.

"Unfortunately, finances are dictating whether or not we pursue another pregnancy, and as of now, it would appear that we are done having children," Maureen says. "However, if things change for the better in the near future, we may change our minds."

"Right now, we are navigating a busy life with our two boys and our puppy," she adds. "No matter what happens in the future, we are so happy with the family we've created and the life we live together." After their heartbreaking journey and grieving the loss of their son Donovan, the couple feels closer than ever. "Having each other through the ups and downs and making these big decisions together has only strengthened our bond," she adds.