What is a Rainbow Baby? A Guide to Pregnancy & Parenting After Loss

Navigating pregnancy and parenting after loss is a complex journey, filled with both grief and gratitude. This article explores the delicate balance between honoring your past experiences while embracing the present joy that comes with welcoming a rainbow baby into the world.

In this article:

• Understanding Infertility & Loss
• Pregnancy Loss vs. Miscarriage
• What is a rainbow baby?
• The Reality of Parenthood After Loss
• Facts About Pregnancy Loss
• What causes pregnancy loss?
• The Science Behind Pregnancy Loss
• What is a spontaneous or missed abortion?
• Communicating About Your Loss
• Pregnancy & Infant Loss Resources
• How Loss Affects the Way We Parent

Note: This article discusses pregnancy loss and associated topics in detail. Please take care of yourself if these subjects are too heavy for you to digest at the present moment.

Understanding Infertility & Loss

When you're ready to have a family, every time you get your period, it feels like a loss. 

Infertility can always be equated with loss - broken dreams about how you thought you'd have your babies, sadness about needing help, and anger or frustration that fertility treatment cycles don’t always work the first/second/third time.

But when you finally get to welcome a new baby into your family, a fresh set of emotions often arises. Even when you want to embrace the joy of it all, the experience of pregnancy and parenting after loss can feel confusing, anxiety-inducing, and complicated.

Pregnancy Loss vs. Miscarriage

Pregnancy loss is a distinct pain that feels like no other loss, because it is also the death of your hopes and dreams - at least for now. It is deep grieving for a little person that you hadn't met yet, but had been dreaming of and hoping for with your entire being. 

So how we talk about losing a much-wanted pregnancy matters.

Typically, the term miscarriage refers to a loss of a fetus before 28 weeks gestation, and pregnancy loss applies after 28 weeks. However, some of us feel that the word "miscarriage" implies fault and choose to lean into the non-medical use of the term "pregnancy loss" for all losses instead. 

There are finally some terms that have been created for these life events that can feel almost unbearably painful - and terms to honor the babies that come later, the ones that let the light come shining into our lives again. Let's discuss what they are.

Remember: You always get to decide what language feels right to you.

What is a rainbow baby?

"Rainbow baby" is a term that refers to a child that is born after pregnancy or infant loss.  After the storm subsides, after your tears have slowed, the sun finally emerges and refracts tiny droplets in the air to create the majesty of that arc that is a rainbow. The babies that come after these losses are often met with tears and laughter, joy and relief.

The term is meaningful for many families because it acknowledges both the joy of welcoming a new child and the profound grief associated with the previous loss. It signifies a sense of renewal and the ability to find light even in the darkest of times.

It's important to acknowledge that the sadness of pregnancy loss doesn’t simply evaporate, and those children who were never born are never forgotten or replaced. Our rainbow babies are simply someone new to greet, love, and embrace. 

What is a double rainbow baby?

"Double rainbow baby" is a term used to describe a child born after a family has experienced two previous pregnancy or infant losses. It signifies an even greater sense of hope and resilience, symbolizing the beauty that emerges after enduring multiple storms.

What is a triple rainbow baby?

A "triple rainbow baby" refers to a child born after three pregnancy or infant losses.

What is a golden baby?

A "golden baby" is a term used to describe a baby born after a rainbow baby. In other words, it is a child born subsequent to a child who was born after a pregnancy loss. The term signifies continued hope, joy, and the feeling of having found the 'pot of gold at the end of the rainbow' after experiencing intense hardship.

Other pregnancy loss-related terms:

• Angel baby: A baby that passes away either during pregnancy or shortly after
• Born sleeping: A baby who is stillborn
• Sunset baby: A twin who dies in the womb
• Sunrise baby: The surviving twin of a baby who dies in the womb
  

The Reality of Parenthood After Loss

Have you ever seen the glory of a double or triple rainbow?

They are mighty to behold, often viewed as miracles. And rainbow babies often do feel like miracles, like the world should stop spinning and take notice. We want to say, "Here is a child that took such effort and determination to bring into the world." They are miracles that redefine the term miracle. 

What often feels astonishing is that our miracle babies are also perfectly ordinary babies. They don’t know or care what it took to get them here. They cry, spit up, keep us awake at night, can be inconsolable, and have constant needs.

In short, while they are our miracles, they are also ordinary babies. And while we think we’ll have all the patience in the world, after all we’ve gone through to bring these babies forth -  we’re not miracle parents. We’re ordinary parents too. We get tired. Overstimulated. Resentful.

A Note On Forgiveness

If you can relate, please forgive yourself for having ordinary human emotions. No matter how much you wanted your precious baby, sleep deprivation, stress, and feeling touched out are very real things you'll still have to contend with.

Forgive yourself for being exhausted and exhilarated at the same time. Forgive yourself for not loving waking up every 90 minutes and having spit up on your shirt 24 hours a day. It’s okay. We all get to turn from being miracles into extraordinary, ordinary human beings. 

You Can Be Grateful & Still Struggle

Being told, "This is what you wished for, why are you still complaining?!" is obviously incredibly hurtful (and unhelpful). Of course we’re grateful. We’re also tired.

Of course we’re in love with our babies. But sometimes we don't fall immediately in love with them. Of course we’re glad they’re here. But we are allowed to also miss our pre-baby life, when we could sleep more than 45 minutes at a time. 

We are all complex beings, capable of having conflicting emotions that contradict themselves constantly. Keep forgiving yourself. Forgive your baby. Forgive your friends and family. 

You’ve got this. 

Facts About Pregnancy Loss

Here's the truth: 1 in 4 pregnancies end in pregnancy loss. Any kind of loss still hurts, and we grieve endings that arrive in such untimely ways. That’s not being negative, that’s a normal and human response to losing something precious!

We grieve - and sometimes we blame ourselves, even though nearly all pregnancy losses are beyond our control. Just as infertility and fertility treatment outcomes are nearly always beyond our control.

There are some things we can do to take care of our bodies and promote optimal health, like eating well, getting enough sleep, having good mental and physical hygiene, exercising our bodies, and feeding our spirits through activities we enjoy or connecting with others. 

If we need help conceiving or addressing other issues, it's of course on us to find a trusted healthcare provider we can work with. However, so much of this journey to parenthood is beyond our control. With that in mind, let’s focus on the many things we can do and forgive ourselves when we are "less than perfect."

Navigating Recurrent Loss

Why do between 1-5% of women experience recurrent pregnancy loss? Dr. Josh Hurwitz breaks down what we know - and what we don't.

What causes pregnancy loss?

Chances are, you’ve done nothing wrong. That can be incredibly frustrating to hear, because it means there may be nothing you can actually do differently. Just know that this was out of your control and remember that this loss doesn’t mean you'll never have a baby. 

Early pregnancy losses before 12-13 weeks are nearly unavoidable. The chances of pregnancy loss drop precipitously after 13 weeks, but don't disappear entirely. Reaching this milestone can provide a sense of security that then shatters if you go on experience a loss.

Sometimes, the body simply doesn't produce enough of the hormones needed to sustain a pregnancy, and medications can be given to supplement them instead. An early pregnancy loss can also be brought on by other factors, including:

• The embryo/fetus has a chromosomal arrangement incompatible with life
• The embryo wasn't able to implant in the uterus properly

However, our reproductive and endocrine systems are only two of the mechanisms responsible for sustaining a pregnancy. Your willpower, your sense of control, your ability to be perfectly disciplined - these things cannot cause you to lose a pregnancy. 

What CAN you do to support a healthy pregnancy?

It's difficult to accept how little control you have on this journey, but that doesn't mean there isn't anything you can do to optimize your health and ensure you have the best chance of success in the future:

1. Advocate for yourself: Look for answers, ask questions, and work closely with your physician to see if further testing should be performed before you try to conceive again.
2. Be proactive: Adjust lifestyle habits (if needed) so that you have the best possible chance of becoming pregnant and safely carrying a pregnancy to term.
3. Stay hopeful: Recognize that even though you've had a pregnancy loss, it does not necessarily mean you will have another one. The odds are in your favor, as an early pregnancy loss (before 13 weeks) is not a predictor of subsequent losses. 
4. Practice radical acceptance: Know that many pregnancy losses occur without a clear cause, and whether or not a pregnancy progresses is often simply up to chance. 

The Science Behind Pregnancy Loss

There is a wealth of scientific data, research, and literature out there - some of which contradicts itself. It's important to always use reputable sources when looking for information.

Here are some trusted organizations and entities you can turn to:

• The American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists (ACOG)
• The American Society for Reproductive Medicine (ASRM)
• The National Institutes of Health (NIH) & Medline Plus
• U.S. Department of Health & Human Services

What is a spontaneous or missed abortion?

One distressing medical/scientific term you will likely see used during your experience is "spontaneous" or "missed abortion." This is the medical terminology healthcare professionals and insurance companies use to refer to a pregnancy loss that occurs before 12-14 weeks.

These terms can be extremely difficult to process, particularly if we associate abortion with the termination of an unwanted or unintended pregnancy.

We are currently seeking (in conjunction with ASRM) to update this language, as there are few things that send an arrow to the heart faster than hearing these words or seeing them listed on forms for a needed medical procedure. 

Termination of Pregnancy

Regardless of your political or religious views on pregnancy termination, it's important to understand that it is an essential part of reproductive health care.

With an ectopic pregnancy or any pregnancy that cannot safely continue, access to medicine and/or surgical procedures are critical. Both must be protected by law to ensure all people can survive and thrive when a pregnancy has been (or needs to be) disrupted. 

The Good News

Research has shown that most people (around 85%) who have experienced losses do go on to have healthy babies. It may take longer than you’d like (if you’re reading this, it probably already has), and it may mean exploring different options than you anticipated, but the odds of you having a baby are in your favor.

If you have had more than two pregnancy losses, ask questions. Have another consult with your doctor. Get a second opinion. These are some things that are still within your control. 

Communicating About Your Loss

If you choose to share the good news that you were expecting, and then have to share the bad news that the pregnancy has ended, it can be exceptionally painful to navigate. 

It can also lead to friends and family (even those closest to you) responding with well-intentioned comments that are meant to bring comfort, but instead fall flat. People often don’t know what to say, but they want to say something. It can be hard to find the right words.

You may not have the energy to advocate for yourself or educate those around you about appropriate responses, but if you do, try sharing these ideas with friends and family:

• I’m so sorry for your loss.
• I’m here for you, whatever you need.
• I’m here to listen whenever you need to talk.
• Would it be okay if I dropped a meal or a treat off on your front porch?
• Can we take a walk together and I’ll just listen?
• If you’re going to do a ritual/funeral, please let me know if you’d like me there.
• Here’s a book of poems that I always find comforting, maybe you will too.

You can also let them know what isn't helpful to hear, such as:

• Maybe God needed the baby more than you did.
• It just wasn’t meant to be.
• At least it was early on in the pregnancy.
• Your baby is no longer in pain.
• You’ll have another one!
• It wasn’t a real baby yet.
• You can always adopt.
• Don't worry - you’re young, you have time.
• Maybe this happened because of your fertility treatments.
• Next time, don’t swim, walk, skydive, do yoga, etc.
• I know someone who had three pregnancy losses and now has two children!

Meet Alyson & Jared

Learn how one couple's courage and perseverance brought them from their lowest moments to their greatest joy - a baby boy.

Pregnancy & Infant Loss Resources

If you’re navigating loss, or are simply a friend or family member who doesn't know what to say or do, lean into the following resources. They’re available to provide information, support, and comfort.

• Chasing the Rainbows - a daily support system to help heal from loss
• Lora Shahine, MD - a doctor’s guide to pregnancy loss and trying to conceive after loss
• Sisters in Loss -  a community of Black women replacing silence with storytelling around loss and infertility 
• Pregnancy After Loss Support - support for those expecting a rainbow baby
• Give InKind - an easy-to-use online tool to organize support for someone you love
• The Miscarriage Doula - support and resources for pregnancy loss at any gestation

More articles on grief and loss:

• How to Process Grief Surrounding Pregnancy Loss
• Finding Comfort in Community: Navigating Pregnancy & Infant Loss
• What to Say (& Not Say) to Someone Grieving a Pregnancy Loss

Forgiveness As a Tool for Healing

As you've probably noticed by now, the theme of this piece is forgiveness. Why do I keep coming back to this concept? Put simply, choosing forgiveness is the best way to heal and move forward. Couple it with gratitude and you have a winning combination. 

You've experienced a pregnancy loss, and now you're pregnant again.

You’re so excited, right? Yes, and...

You’re terrified, right? Yes, and...

Know that you'll have moments of intense fear and moments of immense gratitude. Forgive yourself for all of it. Focus on the gratitude when you can, and accept those moments when fear and anxiety creep in. Fear is not your enemy, but getting stuck in it is. 

Fear does not cause pregnancy loss. It is a normal, human response to have when you're scared of losing another pregnancy. You can even make fear your friend. Notice it, accept it, feel it, then move on to the next thing you need to focus on. Go from there. 

How Loss Affects the Way We Parent

There is a metaphor I've used in the past and will share again here:

For some people, once they're holding their rainbow baby in their arms, infertility and loss can take a backseat - even fading in the rear view mirror as time goes on. While these experiences have undoubtedly changed them, difficult memories rarely come up, and they are able to move on without much thought given to the infertility ordeal. 

For others, it informs our parenting. It digs in more deeply instead of fading away. For better or worse, we are changed. This may make us more cautious, more conscious, and even shift our priorities or world views. 

However you make it through this process, you are still you. Take time to look at yourself in the mirror and recognize that you’ve been a warrior throughout this heartbreaking experience - you've faced a painful loss, and you are still standing. Be gentle with yourself.

Forgiveness. Gratitude. Acceptance. 

Those are the three elements that I want to leave you with - and not necessarily in that order. In fact, these elements may be very fluid. We don’t suddenly develop amnesia and forget the losses that we’ve had, but we can recover from them, heal, and move ahead with our lives. 

The Grief Recovery Method is something I use, teach, and work with regularly in both my personal and professional life. It’s one of my guiding principles. There are many ways to heal from loss, including therapy, rituals, religion, and other grief-processing modalities. You'll discover what feels right to you as you begin to explore your various options.

Practicing forgiveness, gratitude, and acceptance help to promote self healing, appropriate vulnerability, and introspection. All things we need as we work to stay present amidst immense grief. By choosing to live our lives in full and meaningful ways, we honor the babies we weren’t able to bring into this world and celebrate those that came before or after them.

Rainbows remind us that even after the darkest clouds and the fiercest winds, there can still be joy and beauty.