From Donor-Conceived Child to Recipient Parent | Tips From An Expert

In this article:

• Perspectives From a Donor-Conceived Adult
• Building My Family Through Donor Conception
• Sharing My Own Story
• Tips for Parents of Donor-Conceived Children
• Start the Conversation Early
• Don't Make Assumptions
• Find Your Community
• Sit With Difficult Conversations
• Donor Conception Resources
• Talking About Your Journey to Parenthood

Perspectives From a Donor-Conceived Adult

My name is Hayley King and I live in the United Kingdom (UK) with my 7-year old twins and my wife of over 14 years. Growing up, my story was celebrated - I was known as a so-called 'Test Tube Baby,' with my parents having undergone pioneering IVF treatment in the early 1980s. 

However, what was not disclosed, and what I discovered in my early 30s, is that they had also used an anonymous sperm donor. This meant that the amazing dad who raised me was not, in fact, my genetic father.

Whilst this did not alter our relationship, the fact that I was donor conceived changed a great deal about how I perceived my own identity and what (I thought) I knew about my sense of self.

Learning the truth was difficult - and left me with so many unanswered questions. Thankfully, I was able to work through them with the support of my family and friends and the help of a number of support organizations. 

Building My Family Through Donor Conception

Fast forward a few years, my wife and I decided that we would like to start a family.

Luckily, after a single round of in vitro fertilization (IVF) with donor sperm, we welcomed our boy/girl twins into the world. Therefore, I suppose, I’m in the slightly unusual position of being both a donor-conceived person, but also a mum, thanks to sperm donation! 

When our children were around two years old, I really started to consider how my wife and I would talk to them about their conception story. As many parents can probably relate, the first two years of any new arrival can be something of a blur! The endless night feeds, the diaper changes, the baby groups...

But as our children began to talk, it dawned on me that we would soon need to start thinking about how we would discuss their own conception story with them.

An Open Conversation

To provide some context, we had selected an ID release donor, meaning that our children will be able to retrieve identifying information about their donor (if they wish) when they turn 18.

Since 2005, ID release has been a legal requirement for all UK sperm and egg donors, though this varies widely around the world. We also have additional information about our donor, thanks to an extensive profile.

Despite the fact that our twins are being raised in a two-mum family, we still wanted to be proactive and talk openly with them about their conception story.

We wanted to ensure that they understood their origins and would (more importantly) feel comfortable asking us any questions as they got older - without fear of upsetting either of us or thinking that the 'donor topic' was off limits.

Sharing My Own Story

At this stage, I began to look online to see what resources were out there for parents like us.

If I’m honest, there was very limited information available (even back in 2019). I decided to start speaking more publicly about my story, beginning with the creation of an Instagram account.

Soon after, I realized that there were thousands of other people out there seeking similar information about donor conception, whether it be practical information or content relating to how best to talk to your child. It became clear that there was a huge need for this, with not many places for people to turn to.

Becoming An Advocate

That’s when I decided to set up my own website, All Things Donor Conception, which aims to share freely accessible information, resources, and signposting to anyone involved in the world of donor conception.

My Nugget Series has been a huge hit, offering a range of tips to current and prospective parents on the topic of raising a donor-conceived child. You can visit my website to download this free resource and access more in-depth information, or keep reading for a quick preview.

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Tips for Parents of Donor-Conceived Children

Whether you're just starting to explore the world of donor conception or are currently raising a child conceived with the help of a donor, here are a few helpful insights to get you going:

1. Start the Conversation Early

One of the most important things you can do is begin talking to your children about their story when they're young, then continue to discuss it often as they grow.

Research has shown that children and families have the best outcomes when donor conception is integrated into the family narrative from a young age – certainly by age 7, though many professionals now suggest these conversations can take place from birth.

Note: There are many children’s story books out there (representing all different types of family structures) which can act as aids to help you share your child’s story with them.

For a full list of books I recommend, download this free resource!

2. Don't Make Assumptions

Just because something is obvious to you doesn’t mean it will be obvious to your children.

I have spoken to many parents of donor-conceived children who are part of the LGBTQ+ community. Many will tell me "We don’t need to talk to our kids about the donor, he has two mums - it’s going to be obvious!"

But here's the thing: These things aren't always obvious to children, especially if they have yet to learn about reproduction in school, for example. Nurture your child's natural curiosity and be prepared to discuss the little (and big) details of their story.

3. Find Your Community

Donor conception can be a fabulous way to build your family, but it can also come with feelings of isolation and uncertainty.

Whilst the use of donor eggs, sperm, and embryos is increasing each year across the world, it is still a topic that isn't frequently discussed within the general population. When it is discussed, it is often misrepresented or based on inaccurate information.

With this in mind, I ALWAYS recommend people seek out others in a similar situation to them, whether they are parents, donor-conceived people, or the donors themselves. Peer-to-peer support can be invaluable at any stage of the process.

Having an understanding community to turn to can help validate any feelings or experiences you may have had or are currently going through.

4. Sit With Difficult Conversations

In recent years, there has (thankfully) been a growing shift towards listening to the voices of donor-conceived adults.

Historically, the fertility industry and recipient parents have tended to dominate discussions around donor conception, and have been at the forefront of most of the regulation and law change involving fertility treatment.

As with most topics, if we are to truly advance in our understanding of the issues, it is imperative that we engage ALL stakeholders in the conversation. Understandably, some of these discussions and points of view can be challenging to listen to, especially as a parent of donor-conceived children - I get it!

While it may feel uncomfortable at times, we still need to consider these viewpoints and criticisms in order to make experiences better for the next generation of families.

Donor Conception Resources

There are a number of organizations who are doing important work in the donor conception space. Here are a couple of great places to start:

• Donor Conceived Community (DCC Support)
• Donor Conceived UK

More Support for Parents of Donor-Conceived Children

As an extension to the work I’m doing on my own website, All Things Donor Conception, I have recently partnered with my amazing friend (and fellow mum via donation) Becky Kearns on the membership platform Paths to Parenthub.

At Paths to Parenthub, we provide more tailored support and access to a community of those considering donor conception to build their families, going through fertility treatment, or parenting donor-conceived children.

What we offer:

Paths to Parenthub regularly hosts both online and in-person events covering a range of common donor conception topics, including (but not limited to):

• Genetic loss
• Donor siblings
• Questions to ask your egg or sperm bank
• How to talk to your child at different developmental stages
• Attachment and bonding with your donor-conceived child

Want to join us?

Our membership platform is available internationally and can be accessed through a private app on your smart phone or via desktop. We offer various membership options, including one for LGBTQ+ parents!

To learn more about the benefits of joining Paths to Parenthub, please visit our website.

Explore your options:

Download our free Donor Conception Guide to learn more about using donor egg, sperm, embryos or working with a gestational carrier (surrogate).

Talking About Your Journey to Parenthood

Many prospective and current parents of donor-conceived children really struggle to discuss their fertility treatment journey and chosen path to parenthood with friends and family.

The confused looks, intrusive questions, and awkward pauses are enough to make even the most stoic among us break out into a cold sweat!

In recognition of these challenges, we have developed a Friends & Family Resource on Paths to Parenthub. This free resource has been specially designed to give you an insight into families built via sperm, egg, or embryo donation.

What to expect:

After subscribing to our mailing list, you will receive a link to specially-curated web pages containing relevant information about how family and friends can understand more about this pathway - including how they can support their loved ones who are embarking on a path to parenthood through donor conception.

With evidence-based information from professionals and personal stories that bring this experience to life, our hope is that this will offer support to those of you sharing your journey with loved ones, enabling open conversations that ultimately lead to a better understanding of the beginnings of your family's story.

Ready to get started?

For more information about donor conception and to gain access to this and other helpful resources, visit Paths to Parenthub. You can also connect with us on Instagram or Facebook.

Editor's Note: A big thank you to Hayley for generously sharing her story with us, and for highlighting the importance of open communication, community support, and listening to diverse perspectives in the donor conception journey!