Three years. Extensive testing. Genetic complications. Multiple fertility clinics. Six embryo transfers. Five losses. One perfect baby girl. In this story, new parents Jennifer and Alex open up about their path to parenthood and the joy they've found on the "other side" of infertility.
In this article:
- Meet Jennifer & Alex
- An Unexpected Obstacle
- Beginning Our Fertility Journey
- The First IVF Cycle
- 4 Embryo Transfers, No Baby
- Grieving What Might Have Been
- Starting Over at Illume Fertility
- Holding Cautious Optimism After Loss
- Welcoming Our Rainbow Ruby
- Finding the Light Again
- Navigating Infertility & Loss
- On Toxic Positivity in the Infertility Community
- Where are they now?
- Remember: Your Grief is Valid
In 2015, Jennifer and Alex's paths crossed online, and they began chatting. After getting to know each other, they decided they were ready to meet up in person. What was meant to be a casual first date instead resulted in an instant connection, with the two staying up until 4AM sharing what Jennifer calls their "deepest, darkest secrets."
Around a month into their new relationship, Alex told Jennifer he had to tell her something serious - a truth that might be a deal-breaker for their future together.
Alex shared that he had Klinefelter syndrome, a genetic condition that would likely make it impossible for him to have biological children. Despite his diagnosis, Alex made it clear to Jennifer that he still very much wanted to become a father.
The new couple discussed what their journey to having a family might look like, if the relationship progressed to that point. They knew they would likely need the help of in vitro fertilization (IVF) treatment in order to get a chance at having biological children.
"That night, a month into our relationship, I decided that even though our journey to having a family would not be easy, it would be worth it to do it with him," Jennifer says.
Klinefelter syndrome is a genetic condition in which a male is born with an extra copy of the X chromosome. This condition isn't inherited, but rather occurs only as a result of a random genetic error after conception. Males born with Klinefelter syndrome may have low testosterone and reduced muscle mass, facial hair, and body hair. Most males with this condition produce little or no sperm, leading to challenges with fertility.
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Three years after they first met, Jennifer and Alex decided to take the leap and get married. They were eager to start building a family together, and began pursuing IVF treatment in March of 2021, after being delayed by a frustrating insurance setback and a global pandemic.
Alex had undergone a micro-TESE surgery with his longtime endocrinologist/urologist in New York City, and that doctor had recommended a fertility center familiar with attempting to extract sperm from testicular tissue.
At her first fertility appointment, Jennifer learned that she had a dermoid cyst on her right ovary that would need to be removed before treatment. During the cyst removal surgery, doctors also found out she had endometriosis. After absorbing this new information and recovering from surgery, the couple was finally ready to start their first IVF cycle.
Jennifer began ovarian stimulation for her first IVF cycle in July of 2021. Her first egg retrieval resulted in five embryos, the first of which was transferred in a fresh embryo transfer just five days after her retrieval. The couple finally felt they were making progress.
"We were overjoyed to find out we were pregnant from that first transfer, but at just 5 weeks, 4 days, I miscarried," shares Jennifer. "We named that baby Acadia, grieved them, and started prepping for our next transfer - we had four healthy embryos left, so we thought we had good odds." Unfortunately, things ended up being even more difficult than the couple expected.
Over the next 18 months, Jennifer underwent four frozen embryo transfer (FET) cycles. None resulted in pregnancy. "After each one, there were tweaks and more testing," she says. "I even had a hysteroscopy after receiving an Asherman’s syndrome diagnosis." But nothing seemed to help.
Adding to the weight of these repeated disappointments was the fact that the couple had to travel from their home in Greater New Haven, CT to their reproductive endocrinologist in New York City for every single appointment.
"Each cycle involved us going back and forth to the Upper East Side for testing and monitoring," Jennifer recalls. "It was physically exhausting, and with each failure, each loss, I felt like I was losing a piece of myself."
After Acadia came Aspen, Cali, August, and Quinn. While they didn’t know the sexes of their embryos, Jennifer and Alex found some level of comfort and resolution in naming each potential baby that didn't make it into their arms.
"By the Spring of 2023, I was deeply depressed - at a loss and searching for answers," Jennifer says. "We knew we needed to start fresh, somewhere closer to home to remove the toll of travel." After several women in their lives suggested Illume Fertility, the couple scheduled a consultation, taking the first available appointment with Dr. Cynthia Murdock.
Photos: Honoring their lost embryos; Jennifer & Alex before Ruby's arrival; Ruby's birthday.
"Dr. Murdock listened to our story, and for the first time, we were offered new testing," Jennifer adds. "This resulted in me being diagnosed with insulin resistance, and starting on the drug Metformin." As the couple planned out their next egg retrieval and transfer cycle with Dr. Murdock, they chose to add a specific type of embryo testing (called PGT-A) into the mix.
Preimplantation genetic testing for aneuploidy (PGT-A) is a form of testing that is able to determine which embryos have a normal number of chromosomes (46), which can help increase the chances of a successful pregnancy and healthy baby.
In addition, the couple also had to choose a new sperm donor, as Alex’s biopsy results had not produced any sperm, and their original sperm donor was no longer available. They slowly moved forward, taking everything one step at a time and trying to remain optimistic.
In August of 2023, Jennifer underwent her second egg retrieval, which resulted in four embryos. After sending samples off for embryo testing, the couple found out they had two healthy girl embryos. "This was our next glimmer of hope," she says. "We transferred one of those embryos on October 16, 2023, the day after Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day."
"Just four days later, something told me to take a pregnancy test, despite it being SO early," Jennifer recalls. "I had taken so many tests by this point, each one more heartbreaking than the last," she says. "I was on FaceTime with my sister when I looked at the test - I remember gasping because I could already see a line appearing!"
When Alex came home from work, Jennifer told him the news. "We were both so wary after so many months and years of failure, we agreed to hold off on hope until we saw another [darker] line."
The next morning, the couple got up together and took another pregnancy test. "Lo and behold, we saw an even darker line, which continued to deepen over the next few days, followed by rising beta-hCG levels," Jennifer says. "Finally, at six weeks pregnant, we saw our baby girl and heard her heartbeat for the first time."
As her pregnancy progressed, Jennifer found it to be quite easy physically. However, on paper, she was deemed "high risk," which led to lots of extra monitoring. After she developed gestational diabetes (and eventually, preeclampsia), the couple's beautiful baby girl, Ruby Dee, arrived via emergency C-section at just 34 weeks, 1 day.
Since Ruby arrived earlier than expected and weighed only five pounds, she needed to spend some time in the neonatal intensive care unit (NICU) after birth.
At just eight days old, Ruby graduated from the NICU and went home with her proud parents. "After all the battles we endured to create her, bringing our rainbow baby into the world as a preemie was just the final hurdle," Jennifer says.
Photos: Ruby's first few months.
"When we finally arrived home and spent the first few days together as a family, it was like a heavy veil was pulled off of me," she recalls. "I'd spent three years weighed down by the depression of experiencing so much loss and feeling like we might never experience this, but each day that Ruby spent with us, I felt myself returning to a person I was familiar with."
Throughout her infertility journey, Jennifer saw a therapist weekly. "She helped me sort through all of my thoughts and feelings," she says. "I was also a member (on and off) of the infertility community on various social media platforms."
After their first loss, Jennifer decided to open up about her miscarriage and their challenging path to becoming parents - both in-person and online. "The more I shared, the more people reached out to confide in me about their own struggles or thank me for shedding light on a topic that still feels taboo or gets swept under the rug," she says.
Another thing Jennifer explored during her journey was the concept of positivity in the infertility community. "When you search the hashtags on social media, you will find things like #ivfwarrior or #ivfstrong," she says. "People often comment 'You got this mama!' but I did not, in fact, have this."
"I spent so many days not feeling strong - I felt weak, vulnerable, and sad," she admits. "After I began to share with others that it was okay to feel these [very normal and valid] emotions, my therapist and other therapist friends adopted this outlook and shared it with other clients undergoing fertility treatments."
Once she opened up about the reality of navigating infertility and gave others permission to ditch the toxic positivity, Jennifer had many people disclose to her that they felt the same way she did. "It felt good to be able to vent these hard, deep feelings to someone who actually got it," she says.
Looking for community? Join one of our free support groups or Fertile Yoga classes and connect with other fertility patients who truly understand what you're going through.
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"Now that I am on the other side of it, I know I was made to be a mother," Jennifer says. "I am currently experiencing the joy of being a stay-at-home mother, which we plan to do as long as we can."
At only four months old, Ruby is already a seasoned traveler, having visited Vermont, NYC, Boston, and California with her parents. "We fill our days with marveling in our daughter, whether it be big experiences (like her first plane ride or first time swimming) or small ones, like her first trip to Trader Joe’s," Jennifer shares.
"Almost daily, I find myself having 'pinch me' moments…it sometimes doesn’t feel real," she says. "I am eternally grateful to Illume for giving me not only Ruby, but my purpose in life."
A few weeks after their baby girl was born, Jennifer wrote this sweet poem about the experience of motherhood after infertility and loss:
Bedtime Routine
You make the tiniest noises
Are they sighs?
Your head is warm on my collarbone
I’m not sure anything has ever felt so good
Your eyes flutter
I feel your hand wiggle on my side
You are mine, you are mine, you are mine
It still doesn’t feel real
For those navigating infertility, there can be so many different forms of loss.
Whether you're grieving the loss of a recognized pregnancy, the loss of an embryo that failed to implant after transfer, the sadness of hearing that your retrieved eggs didn't successfully fertilize or your embryo(s) have stopped progressing...each one carries with it a heavy burden.
Each individual or couple may approach this experience in a different way, but every single one of these losses is worthy of recognition and mourning. Do what feels most comforting to you, whether that be naming your embryos, holding a special ceremony to mark a pregnancy loss, or acknowledging your grief in some other way.
We're grateful to Jennifer and Alex for sharing their journey to baby Ruby with such openness and honesty. We know the road to building a family can be incredibly difficult, and our hope is that when you hear these stories, you feel just a little bit less alone in your own experience.
If you're struggling with loss or grief, we encourage you to tap into the following resources:
Lastly, remember that there is no one "right" way to process these difficult emotions. Whatever you're feeling right now is valid and worthy of support. Don't suffer in silence.