The loss of a much-wanted pregnancy or baby is an unimaginable heartache that touches countless lives, yet remains shrouded in silence. This guide explores the complexity of this experience and offers a list of trusted resources to support those facing such profound loss.
In this article:
- Honoring Pregnancy & Infant Loss Month
- When should I tell people I'm pregnant?
- Why share the news sooner?
- Words Matter: Miscarriage vs Pregnancy Loss
- How do we recognize loss?
- Making Sense of It All
- What do you need to heal?
- Opening Up to Community
- The Gift of Connection
- What does recovery from loss look like?
- How We Begin to Heal
- When Pain Multiplies: Recurrent Losses
- Sharing Our Stories
October is the time of year where seasons shift, temperatures start to dip, and we transition into fall - a season that feels so different than the one before. Perfectly fitting that October is also Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Month, a time for open conversation and exploring the range of emotions that the loss of a pregnancy or baby can bring to our lives.
The following was created to serve as a guide for anyone trying to navigate the immense grief that comes with losing something so precious. Anyone who has been through this experience knows that processing these heavy emotions takes time, patience, and support - both from yourself and those around you.
Treat the following sections like chapters in a book - feel free to skip to the ones that feel most appropriate for your situation or simply read it straight through.
The truth is that all pregnancies, whether they end in a devastating loss or a joyous birth announcement, typically begin in relative silence and secrecy.
Traditionally, expecting parents are encouraged not to share their good news for over three months, just in case they are one of the 1 in 4 who experience the loss of a pregnancy. While this advice is meant to protect those who are pregnant from having to then share bad news, it often has an unintended side effect: isolation.
Laura Malcom, Founder of Give InKind, who suffered a full-term loss of her daughter, encourages all of us to help normalize both pregnancy announcements and loss in a healthier way - by telling our family and friends earlier on in the process. "I'd like to move towards a society that talks about things more, so that actions can also be taken to support people throughout their journeys," Laura says.
By letting our trusted friends and family in on our news sooner, we also set ourselves up for more support - should anything go wrong. While this approach isn't for everyone, it can be a real gift to have your community's love and care at the ready, whether the pregnancy ends suddenly or continues as planned.
Until recently, pregnancy loss was traditionally described as a "miscarriage," and unfortunately, that language is still widely used in the medical community and around the globe.
Thankfully, there is a push to update the words surrounding fertility and pregnancy to more mindful, modern terms, from the likes of companies like Peanut and more. (Check out their #RenamingRevolution Glossary!)
So why the switch from "miscarriage" to "pregnancy loss?" Miscarriage (to some) implies fault - that you "mis-carried" your baby. And we all know that pregnancy loss isn't your fault. Hearing that you've "miscarried" can pour salt on the wound. Words can truly hurt.
Moving away from this term and acknowledging it for what it is: the loss of a pregnancy - doesn't remove the pain of the experience, but validates what has happened in terms that don't blame or shame the person going through it.
The truth is that grief and loss are both personal and universal.
The statistics show just how common pregnancy and infant loss are: 1 in 4 will experience a pregnancy loss and 1 in 100 will experience infant loss. Those statistics represent just how frequently grief and loss touch each one of us.
As humans, as much as we want to help, relating to someone who has experienced a loss is not something we tend to handle very well. We fumble through sentiments that are meant to be helpful, but often turn out to be hurtful.
We don’t know what to say, so we say nothing, the silence wounding even deeper. Or we say things that are well-intentioned but land like a bomb instead. We don’t necessarily have the tools. Most of us don’t even really understand the grief process - and it scares us terribly.
In American society, we have largely lost touch with the ritual of mourning, with grief being viewed as an individual pursuit instead of a communal one. While many other cultures still recognize loss with activities such as chanting, gathering, singing, and community care, most Americans tend to self-isolate during periods of mourning.
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We often worry that we’ll say the wrong things, and it brings up our own concerns and vulnerabilities about what might happen to us.Honoring what we've lost begins with feeling the feelings and simply acknowledging there was a loss. This is often the hardest part. There are typically a lot of confusing, conflicting emotions that arise, and I certainly experienced this on my own journey through loss.
Here's what I shared about my own pregnancy losses with Candace Wohl of Our MisConceptions:
"One of the hardest pieces that I had to face was my own response to the loss. Since it wasn’t really a baby, why all the upset? Intellectually, I believed then and believe now that these little clumps of cells that are barely embryos are not babies. Politically, I also agree they are not babies and not people. Morally, for me, they are not babies.
What explained then, the flood of tears and the feeling that I had in fact lost something? What I knew is that I was trying very hard to find something, a successful pregnancy to build a family and the two times that I did find pregnancy, in a moment, they were gone.
They were monumental losses despite the fact that they were tiny enough to fit on the head of a pin. They were losses of hope, of dreams, of heritage and of continuation of life and family. Do any of us who are trying to become pregnant not see these microscopic dividing cells as our babies even when intellectually we know that they are not babies?"
No matter your beliefs around conception, we can all agree that early pregnancy losses are often very confusing to process. Sometimes, we haven't even seen a heart beating on that ultrasound monitor before we lose our baby.
It doesn't make the hurt any less, or the loss any less significant.
This is about staying connected with yourself, even when it’s really painful to do so.
Distractions, becoming over-busy, numbing, binging or restricting (whether it's TV, food, shopping or another activity)...all these things serve a purpose, which is to avoid the pain.
It's okay to use those tools when you need to, and your need to distract or numb these difficult feelings is absolutely normal. But when you feel ready, you’ll take a deep breath and feel your feelings. And I'll be the first to admit that it hurts. It hurts a lot.
Consider what tools you’ve used before that have helped with pain or loss. Even while knowing that the pain of pregnancy or infant loss may eclipse all other pain previously felt.
Take a moment to really ask yourself: What do I need right now?
Give yourself permission to ask yourself that question and feel it deep inside. This is the time to do what you need to do, truly. No one gets to judge how you process this pain.
"A woman miscarries and keeps her pain to herself because she’s sure no one would relate. Someone close to her miscarries and assumes the same thing."
Talking to others about our experiences, losses, and triumphs, really letting people in - can help reduce the often helpless feeling that we’re alone.
The author goes on to talk about shame and guilt. So many of us feel that we’ve somehow failed when we experience a loss. We may feel that we've failed ourselves, our partners, our family, the baby or embryo that was supposed to be safe with us.
Speaking to others who have also experienced this is like accepting a warm hug or noticing a bright smile. It's that feeling of "Oh, you really get it."
Connecting with people who have experienced the kind of loss you have and are having feelings that are similar to yours can be deeply healing. No one truly knows how another feels since we are all individuals, but there are some common threads that run through many experiences, including grief and loss.
There is something about sitting with a group of people (even virtually) who have had similar losses and seeing them nod their heads as you’re talking. They can relate, they hear you. They see you. They understand the immense pain that you’re in.
Never been to a support group? Nervous to try one? Ask a friend to attend with you!
Decide to go just for a few minutes, if that's all you can manage. Pregnancy and infant loss is a hurt that feels bottomless - it can be an ideal time to try something different and outside your comfort zone.
Remember: Recovery does not mean amnesia. You will never forget the baby you expected and wanted to have in your life. There is no disrespect here about "forgetting" or moving on. Just know that being able to live a full life despite a devastating loss is possible.
It doesn't mean you won't ever feel sad, or even be brought to your knees in heartbreak. But it does mean that you can go on to live a fulfilling life, having taken the steps to process your losses. Only when you’re ready.
Another tool many people choose to utilize is a framework called the Grief Recovery Method. Personally, this is what has worked well for me as I've navigated my own losses. So well, in fact, that I decided to become a certified Grief Recovery Specialist, determined to help others who were suffering.
Grief Recovery Specialist Stephen Moeller addresses the immense grief surrounding pregnancy loss, highlighting the emotional complexity of losing an unborn child:
"This is simply another example of people trying to deal with an emotionally devastating event with an intellectual answer. While these parents never had the opportunity to establish a face-to-face relationship, they still had created an emotional bond with their unborn child. Most had already formed dreams and expectations for a future with this child that, due to the miscarriage, will never come to fruition."
Laura Malcolm’s beautiful words also resonate: "If I have learned anything through my own experiences and through [my organization] Give InKind, it's that we all grieve so differently...the most beautiful thing we can do for one another is just show up, listen, and offer support."
However you choose to navigate your healing journey, know that our team at Illume Fertility is here for you. We offer a variety of holistic support options, including:
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If you've experienced recurrent pregnancy loss (meaning more than one), the hurt, anxiety and fear can multiply. One loss is hard enough, but two? Three? More? Devastating.
If you've reached the point in your journey where you want to learn more about possible causes for recurrent loss, Illume Fertility reproductive endocrinologist Dr. Josh Hurwitz and OB/GYN Dr. Shieva Ghofrany offer in-depth explanations and explore potential treatment options for when you're ready to try again.
Note: Seeking reassurance after a previous loss? Tools like this one offer statistical averages and information about your actual chances of experiencing a loss at each stage of pregnancy (down to the week and day of gestation).
There are so many reasons to share our stories. Let’s start with the most important one: grief and loss are personal. But they are also universal. Here's what to remember:
Naming the details, feelings, and events that happened around your loss can be powerful. It connects your heart and mind, confirming that something really did happen - in fact, something seismic, enormous, of great magnitude, happened here.
You honor yourself and the child you lost by acknowledging that they mattered. That truth can live on in your memory and they will always be a part of you.
Others are suffering through their own experience, feeling alone, feeling ashamed, in pain - too numb or scared or exhausted to do anything at all. And then they read your story and feel instant comfort, even if just a little bit. To finally feel like you are not alone is so healing.
We can identify loss in many different ways. Whether it be a missed menstrual cycle, only to get one a few days later and realize we had a "missed miscarriage," or experiencing a stillbirth, our grief is both personal and universal.
Every single one of us who have suffered a pregnancy or infant loss is a warrior (whether we feel like it or not). And though it may be incredibly painful to process and take more time than we anticipate to heal and move forward - we are still here.