Inherent in infertility is disappointment. In fact, the process is steeped in disappointment. Seeing the evidence every month that it hasn’t happened is a visual reminder that once again, no pregnancy.
In this article:
If you're feeling exhausted or overwhelmed by your current reality, let's go on a journey together. No packing is necessary - in fact, UNPACKING might be the whole point! There are no tickets to buy and no travel arrangements to be made.
Just set aside a few minutes and take a quick (mental) trip with me.
As anyone who has struggled to conceive knows, there is a predictable flood of feelings that tends to accompany that unwanted menstrual flow or negative pregnancy test - both confirming another month of "Not yet." These feelings may include disappointment, frustration, anger, hopelessness, despair, or even betrayal.
Cycling through these feelings on a monthly basis can lead to a loss of confidence in yourself, your body, your partner, and even your medical team. And let’s be completely clear: these are completely normal, natural reactions. You’ve been hoping, dreaming, and planning for a baby (sometimes for years) and it’s perfectly normal and even expected to feel disappointed.
In my thirty-five years as a Patient Advocate (and my experience as a fertility patient before that), I have seen almost everything: excitement, despair, hope, clinical depression, rage, exhilaration. All expressed in different ways.
I've heard from people in the depths of darkness - some who haven't been able to get out of bed for days at a time, others who feel unable to talk to even their closest friends and family, bowing out of events like the baby shower of a beloved sister. Some have even expressed wanting to divorce a truly loved husband. I’ve heard some version of it all.
You know what I've never (ever) heard someone say? "Woo hoo, my IVF cycle didn’t work! I can't wait to do it all again." Nope, that’s likely never been your reaction either.
Your initial reaction to finding out that you're (still) not pregnant may feel like a flush of anger, disappointment, frustration, or other feelings that are deeply uncomfortable, yet painfully impossible to avoid.
Many times, we shelter under the familiar cover of anger, even if it isn't the only emotion we're feeling. When we hear something that’s not what we wanted or expected, the rage floods in. Shoving that feeling down, trying to be polite or provide a civil response, often means that the feeling will emerge later on - even stronger.
Then what? Anger can often be exhausting, leaving us feeling completely drained and in need of recovery. When we've expressed (or even suppressed) that anger, guilt or shame may follow closely behind. For most of us, avoiding our true emotions is simply a temporary "fix."
How should we handle these reactive feelings instead? We don’t want to explode all over the people in our lives, nor do we want to shove our feelings down, since they will surely rise to the surface again at some other equally inconvenient time.
Psychology Today writer Chris Gilbert, M.D., Ph.D. offers up a few great ideas that can help you put your anger into action and encourage it to move out of your body:
Me? I love hitting a pillow or stomping my foot. I also like to finding a place I can scream as loud as I want or doing a more intense level of exercise (wind sprints come to mind).
Literally move that anger through and out of your body.
Once you've worked on moving these difficult emotions out of your body, you may feel tired - or even deeply sad. It's important to honor those feelings too, even though it may be tempting to want to rush past the discomfort.
Research has shown that having a good cry can actually be quite beneficial.
Stephen Sideroff, Ph.D, explains some of these benefits: "Stress tightens muscles and heightens tension, so when you cry, you release some of that," he says. "Crying activates the parasympathetic nervous system and restores the body to a state of balance."
Tears may also act as a form of "social glue," one large-scale study noted, by driving other community members to offer social support.
Finally, as you are working through your feelings, be curious and try to uncover the root emotion. If you’re a geek like me, you might enjoy using a tool like Gloria Wilson's feeling wheel to start identifying the more complex, underlying issues.
You might start out thinking that what you're experiencing is sheer frustration (for example, that IVF hasn’t worked again), humiliation (your body has let you down), or jealousy (everyone is pregnant but me).
Identifying the emotions that hide beneath the surface can lead to a better understanding of how you’re feeling, giving you better language to both understand and express yourself to others.
You’ve now experienced your primary feelings - even the ones that may have arrived uninvited. Next, you have some choices to make about how you want to respond. Here are a couple questions to ask yourself:
[cta1]
Gratitude can offer a new perspective, based on secondary feelings (meaning how you want to feel - not how you think you 'should' feel). Being realistic is one approach, but it’s not the only approach. Feel free to dream big here! Let your heart and mind travel where they most deeply want to go.
Do you want to feel calm in the chaos? Can you still find gratitude when the resentment, frustration, and pain are overwhelming? Let’s talk about it.
The route to mindfulness is through observation (and slowing down), and choosing to notice your surroundings is ultimately what leads to gratitude.
A few simple examples:
(A personal favorite of mine? My car starts every morning!)
Imagine any of those things not happening and it quickly demonstrates just how important they are, as basic as they may seem. They aren't actually little things, and this is not about lowering your expectations. This is about recognizing and appreciating the parts of your daily life that often get overlooked.
When you choose to notice these aspects of your life, it can reveal other places that have also escaped your attention. A few possibilities to consider:
What to remember: None of these are insignificant, trivial things. Changing the direction of your gaze (what you're focused on) can help shift your perspective.
Writing things down is a time-honored way of acknowledging something meaningful.
Take a picture of something you find beautiful. While there is always beauty to be found in your life, seeing it can feel impossible when you're in the throes of infertility. Immortalize moments of beauty in an image that you can look at whenever you need a reminder.
Want a challenge? Take a photo of yourself (with or without filters), then take some time to look at that picture and recognize your inherent beauty and worth - things that can often feel stripped away when your energy is focused on battling infertility.
Gratitude meditation is a mindfulness practice that focuses on cultivating a deep sense of appreciation and thankfulness. This type of meditation helps shift your mindset from what you lack to what you have, fostering positive emotions and improving overall well-being.
Adding this practice to your routine can help you develop a greater sense of contentment, reduce stress, and increase your sense of connection to others and the world around you.
Here’s a simple step-by-step guide to getting started:
Choose a calm, comfortable place where you can sit undisturbed. You can sit on a chair, cushion, or on the floor, with your back straight and hands resting gently on your lap.
Close your eyes and take a few deep breaths to settle into the present moment. Take a moment to set an intention for your practice, such as "I am open to feeling gratitude" or "I welcome peace and appreciation into my heart."
Notice the natural rhythm of your breathing as you inhale and exhale. This helps ground you in the present moment and quiets the mind.
Start to bring to mind the things, people, or experiences that you are grateful for. These can be big things like your health or relationships, or smaller, everyday things like a warm cup of tea, a beautiful sunset, or the sound of birds chirping.
Allow yourself to fully experience the feeling of gratitude in your body. You may notice warmth, a sense of peace, or a feeling of connection. Stay with this feeling as long as you can, savoring it.
Before finishing your meditation, consider repeating a positive affirmation, such as:
Take a few more deep breaths, gently open your eyes, and slowly return to the present moment, carrying the sense of gratitude with you throughout your day.
When it comes to establishing a gratitude practice, remember that you have lots of options. If none of the above methods feel like a good fit for you, explore other ideas!
As you get started, notice how much more of your day is now focused on the beautiful things in your life. Pat yourself on the back! Shifting perspective and cultivating gratitude is hard work and takes dedication, but you are worth the effort.
Research has shown that gratitude can provide an impetus to personal growth and encourage you to find deeper meaning in your experience with infertility. This, in turn, may relieve some of the stress that arises from navigating fertility challenges and treatment.
Even on days it feels impossible, gratitude can still be found. If you'd like to share what you're learning and connect with a community who understands, I welcome you to reach out to me via email or join our private Facebook group.
Thank you for taking this journey with me.