Ask Monica is a Q&A video series hosted by Nurse Practitioner Monica Moore.
In this article:
Was my miscarriage somehow my fault?
Monica addresses a question that many in our community grapple with after experiencing a loss. If this is you, please remember that (1) it is natural to feel these feelings, (2) you did not cause your pregnancy loss, and (3) none of this is your fault.
Hi everyone. I want to cover a topic today that is near and dear to my heart. I'm Monica Moore. I am a nurse practitioner and also a health coach at Illume Fertility. In this edition of Ask Monica, I want to talk about not getting pregnant or losing a pregnancy...and is it your fault?
I work with many clients who struggle with excess weight. Often, I am asked if it is their fault that they're unable to get pregnant.
I also work with fertility clients who don't struggle with their weight and don't get pregnant, or lose a pregnancy and are able to identify one event in their fertility journey that may not have been ideal. Maybe they had one drink without realizing that they were pregnant, maybe they fell, maybe they were sick.
It is incredibly unlikely that one event (unless it's a catastrophic, exposed-to-radiation type of event) will cause you to not become pregnant or cause you to lose an embryo when you're sick. If you sneeze, if you get a fever - it will not cause a loss.
When you struggle with excess weight, there are population-based studies (meaning we're not testing the person against themselves, we're looking at studies of people with a "normal BMI" and people in higher BMI categories, then comparing those people to each other).
There are some differences in terms of reproductive outcomes, fertility outcomes, and maternal outcomes between those two groups, but that is not comparing that person who has excess weight with themself if they lose weight.
We really need to take that into consideration.
I always feel so strongly that anytime somebody goes through a fertility journey, it's a much wanted and needed pregnancy. It makes me so sad to feel that these women who have been through so much, blame themself for one particular event or thing.
I can't possibly (in a couple of minutes) go over what all these situations are, but I can tell you that generally overall that I have never been able, in over 20 years, identify one event for a particular person that contributed to either not getting pregnant or a pregnancy loss.
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I also want to tell you that we have lots of resources at Illume Fertility.
If you are struggling with your weight, you can talk to me or one of our other health coaches or nutritionists. If you're struggling with your mental health and feelings of guilt and shame, feelings of isolation or hopelessness or helplessness, I encourage you to speak with a mental health specialist experienced in infertility and/or pregnancy loss.
If you're not sure where to start, just contact your patient navigator or nurse and say, "I'm feeling this or I'm struggling with that." And then we can help guide you.
There's no reason to suffer in silence, and there's no reason to feel that you should have shame for something that you did, who you are, or what your body is like.
This episode is just a little side note, it's not a question that I was asked directly, but it is something that comes up in a lot of sessions with my patients, so I thought it was better addressed here.
Thanks so much everyone for your continued support of this platform. I love doing it. I hope that you love hearing it. Continue to ask any questions you have. You can reach out to me via our Ask Monica form - thanks so much.