Pregnancy loss is finally being talked about more openly, and it’s normal to have questions about how to process grief around this heartbreaking experience. You likely felt so much hope, happiness and anticipation when you found out you were pregnant, and now you're suddenly trying to make sense of what happened.
In this article:
Note: We will be using the term pregnancy loss in this article instead of miscarriage, as that word can imply someone did something wrong to "cause" it. We prefer to use the term pregnancy loss since it more accurately describes what happened.
Pregnancy loss isn’t a cognitive brain thing. It’s not a pain you can talk yourself out of. It is a heart thing - emotional and hormonal.
There’s a thought process many rely on when it comes to grief: if you don’t talk about it, it’s not real, it’s not painful, it’s not important. If you just bury it, you can get on with your life.
But that way of processing pain doesn’t encourage empathetic questions, not even the simplest, "How are you?" for a person experiencing pregnancy loss. This goes right along with the idea of grieving alone, burying things, and not feeling your feelings. You know, pulling yourself up by your bootstraps.
It's isolating. Which makes it incredibly lonely.
The other way to approach pregnancy loss is rooted in connection, empathy, and a desire to process difficult emotions. When you're struggling with a loss, having someone offer a shoulder to lean on or cry on helps you know that you’re not alone on this painful road.
By choosing to talk about your experience or offering space for others who may want to share about their own loss, that pain is shared, and you don't have to bear it alone. We all know that there are few things more loving and healing than having someone offer to listen to you.
Each heart processes things at its own way. At its own pace. But there are some tangible, actionable ways we can help our broken hearts recover from loss.
Let's talk about what they are, and what people around you can do to support you during this period of grieving. You may even want to share these ideas with them if they aren't sure what to do (or not do) to help.
Know someone who has experienced a pregnancy loss? You don’t have to know the perfect things to say in order to support them. However, if not knowing what to say would stop you from reaching out, here are a few ideas that will (most likely) be welcomed.
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Consider intention versus impact before you speak to someone who is grieving. Here are a few phrases to avoid, no matter how well-intentioned you may feel when saying them:
Remember - your words matter.
Offer something specific instead of asking what they need.
A grieving person often can’t or doesn’t want to focus on mundane things like errands or meals. Use the suggestions below that most make sense for the person you care about, or use these ideas as a jumping off point for your own.
When you’re grieving the loss of a pregnancy, you may feel like all you want to do is talk about it, and other times, you may feel at a loss for words to convey what you are experiencing.
Your emotions can quickly swing from one side of the pendulum to the other. Loss hurts, often in a visceral, very real way. That pain may come in waves, or it may be constant.
All of it is ok, normal and expected. Try not to judge yourself or set high expectations right now. Grieving is a normal response to loss. This is the time to let yourself be.
With my pregnancy loss, all I could do was curl up in a ball and cry in bed for the first week.
What brought me to my proverbial knees was all the effort, dedication and time invested in something I so desperately wanted, just for it to be so cruelly taken away from me. I could not wrap my brain around it, my heart took over and I just mourned.
Getting out of bed to go back to work and life felt almost impossible. Somehow this momentous thing had happened, and the world went on as if everything was normal. But for me, it was never the same "normal" again. Never.
To this day, I know how old that baby, who was barely more than an embryo, would have been. This is not a political statement; it is an emotional statement. If you know, you know.
If you don’t know, it goes like this: you may believe that an embryo is NOT a baby, not a child, not what your dreams are made of. It may be engrained in your mind and even your heart, as a political, moral, ethical belief that an embryo is NOT a baby.
Conversely, you may feel the opposite! If your belief is that an embryo is a baby from conception, this is just as complex, confusing and devastating.
But there’s something that happens when egg and sperm join and an embryo begins to develop - we begin to envision our baby. We see ourselves pregnant, we see ourselves giving birth, we see ourselves holding our child, guiding their first steps, watching them lose their first tooth.
We see their future and we see our own.
When that future is lost, we grieve - not just for that embryo or that pregnancy, but for the birth that won’t end with a baby in our arms, and for the child that we won’t be raising.
This is what pregnancy loss is, what it looks like, how momentous the loss is. It is the incredibly heartbreaking, premature end to something that has barely begun.
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Acknowledging this momentous loss can feel like a way to honor the life that was not lived. It can help bridge the gap between the loss and readjusting to a new version of life.
Here are a few ways to tangibly honor your pregnancy loss:
A ceremony could look like a gathering of the people closest to you or it could be just you and another loved one. It could even be entirely private, just for you. It can consist of speaking, reading something meaningful out loud, or be completely silent.
This can consist of time spent in a special place, either outdoor or indoor. You can invite the universe into the moment, feeling your way into a space of connectedness.
This could involve a symbolic burial of a small token, a picture, or a goodbye letter.
It could be the planting of a tree or flowers. It could be writing something in the sand that the waves then carry into the ocean. It could be stacking stones on top of each other and saying a blessing. It could be as simple as singing or listening to a song.
These rituals can happen immediately or a year later. This is your time to heal. Whatever you choose to do, remember to practice radical self-acceptance and self-love.
This is a time to love yourself as you are in this moment, honor your efforts, and grieve your loss. This isn't a time to think about blame and what went wrong - it's about forgiveness and acknowledgement of your effort and dedication.
Do things at your own pace, taking your needs into account and finding what’s best for you, while doing your best to let those who love you be a part of the process and help.
Use an affirmation in the present tense. Set a timer for one minute and repeat the affirmation out loud or in your mind’s eye. This is a reminder of what you believe to be true. Use one of the affirmations below or create one that speaks to you.
If you have experienced a pregnancy loss and are suffering, there is help available from support groups, individuals, or advocates like myself. Therapy can also be a good option to explore at this time.
Here are some suggestions:
One in four women will experience a pregnancy loss. You are not alone in this. We are here for you. Here to listen and offer support. Here to help you process the pain you are feeling.