While the physical burden of fertility treatment typically rests on the female partner in a relationship, men are primarily expected to provide support to them throughout the process. But fertility struggles affect men in different ways - and their experience matters too.
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When comedian Hasan Minhaj was diagnosed with male factor infertility, he was completely shocked. Like many men, getting pregnant was never something he considered might be challenging. But as he admits in his stand-up special, The King's Jester, "Life gets very real when don't want becomes can't have."
And he's right - most men spend their early adult years trying to avoid pregnancy, assuming that if and when they want to start a family, it will be simple. Rarely do they stop to think about what will happen if conceiving isn't as easy as expected.
For 1 in 6 people globally, fertility issues are a very real (and unwelcome) surprise that appears when they try to expand their families - and most of them end up struggling in silence. While women tend to have more resources and support when it comes to fertility and pregnancy, men and their experiences are frequently left out of the conversation.
Due to cultural stigma around fertility, as well as societal conditioning that trains boys and men to avoid vulnerability, they are typically encouraged to hide their emotions and appear strong - regardless of what they're going through. But their feelings matter too.
So, let's talk about it: how to handle Father's Day when struggling with infertility, and tangible ways to support the men in our lives so they feel more comfortable expressing themselves and getting support around this difficult topic.
Family-focused holidays like Father's Day and Mother's Day can be especially painful for couples who are trying to conceive, experiencing fertility challenges, grieving a pregnancy loss, or feeling generally defeated about their family-building journey.
Whether you are struggling with male factor infertility or supporting a partner through their own fertility struggles, the winding road to parenthood is difficult for both men and women.
Joe, a former Illume Fertility patient who was diagnosed with male factor infertility, admits that he navigated difficult emotions while trying to conceive with his partner Erica: "A big source of guilt during my journey was the burden I placed on my wife who had to endure the lion’s share of pain and procedures."
Now a father of two through in vitro fertilization (IVF), Joe vividly recalls the feelings that family-focused holidays would bring: "Before I became a dad, Father's Day would turn my daily anxiety about our infertility from a 10/10 to an 11/10." And he isn't alone in feeling this way - many holidays can be painful for those struggling to become parents.
So, in addition to the financial and physical challenges of infertility, it can deeply affect a person's mental health. Battling the constant ups and downs of fertility treatment, negative test results, or pregnancy losses can be a traumatic experience for many couples.
Unfortunately, that trauma is often processed in private (or not at all), because society doesn't really address infertility in the same way that other types of grief are recognized. Psychologist Kenneth Doka refers to this disenfranchised grief. But just because society doesn't yet know how to acknowledge your pain doesn't mean it isn't real.
Infertility can have a significant emotional impact. The way each hopeful dad navigates the physical and emotional challenges of infertility is unique, but there are some common threads that most men experience on their journey to fatherhood.
Here are some emotions that men may experience when facing infertility:
It's natural experience a deep sense of loss and grief when you realize that you are unable to conceive a child on your own. In cases where donor sperm is needed to conceive, men may need to mourn their original dream of fatherhood and that biological connection with a child.
Note: We encourage you to reach out to a counselor who is familiar with family building challenges to get expert support if you're experiencing any of the above.
Men might feel guilty or responsible for their partner's infertility struggles, even when the cause lies with the female partner or is unexplained. This guilt can be further intensified if they perceive societal expectations of male virility and fertility.
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Unfortunately, infertility challenges can deeply impact a man's sense of masculinity and self-worth. They may question their identity as a man or partner, or feel that they are failing to fulfill societal expectations or their own desire to have a family.
Men often face societal pressures to be strong, stoic, and not show vulnerability. As a result, they may find it challenging to openly discuss their infertility struggles, leading to feelings of isolation and a lack of support.
Dealing with fertility treatments, failed attempts, or the inability to find a specific cause of infertility can lead to frustration and anger. Men may experience a sense of powerlessness due to the lack of control over their reproductive abilities, which can lead to intense, overwhelming emotions.
Due to social conditioning, men are often more comfortable expressing anger or frustration than vulnerability - which can lead to their feelings about infertility showing up in surprising ways.
Mental health challenges are not uncommon for either partner experiencing infertility, and understandably so. The emotional toll of facing continued uncertainty, financial strain, and repeated disappointments associated with fertility treatments can exacerbate existing mental health conditions or cause men to develop anxiety or depression, in some cases.
While nothing can take away the heartache of feeling excluded on a day that celebrates a role you so desperately want, let's explore a few ways to take the sting out of Father's Day (or any day on a fertility journey).
Whether you decide to attend a fertility support group, seek counseling (with or without your partner), or open up to friends on a guys' night out - knowing where to turn when you need to talk is essential. Remember: You deserve a safe place to go to process how you're feeling.
Learn more: Hear why one Illume dad decided to try a men's support group, what he gained from the new connections he made, and his advice to other men facing infertility.
Sometimes, the best medicine is a new location. Plan a weekend away, try a new restaurant, go to a game, hike a new trail, or schedule a trip so you have something to focus on.
If you find it too difficult to think about how you're feeling right now, that's okay too. Some couples find it's easier to focus on the logistics of fertility treatment (i.e. organizing IVF medications, making phone calls, or working on finances) instead of discussing the emotional side of infertility.
There's no right or wrong way to navigate this journey.
Identify the people in your life that you trust, and write down a list of those friends, family, or counselors that you can reach out to when you need to talk.
If you feel like you have no one to turn to, don't hesitate to tell your Care Team and ask them for recommendations. They will always be happy to help connect you with support groups and community resources.
For those who enjoy focusing on external projects, this may be a physical toolbox.
For others, it may entail assembling a set of resources that can help you remain grounded and reduce stress or anxiety (i.e. downloading a meditation app on your phone or making a playlist of favorite songs). This will look different for everyone.
Navigating fertility challenges can feel all-consuming. From the frequent doctor's appointments to stressing about finances to helping your partner with injections during IVF, it's easy to forget who you both were before this part of your lives.
Look back at old photos, write down a list of activities you've enjoyed in the past, and remind yourself that infertility isn't who you are, it's just what you're going through.
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It is important to acknowledge that not all men will feel the same way when it comes to infertility, so it's important to allow space for whatever feelings arise. Some may be more open and willing to discuss their feelings, while others may struggle to express what they're going through.
If you're the partner or friend of a man who is struggling to conceive and are feeling unsure of how to best support them, simply ask them what they need. They may have an immediate answer for you, or they may not be sure yet, but opening that door leaves room for conversation and connection.
Ultimately, the best thing to do is provide a supportive and non-judgmental environment for men to share their thoughts and feelings. Knowing they have a safe place to communicate the physical and emotional impact of the experience is crucial in helping to process the complexities of infertility.
If you are one of the millions of hopeful parents undergoing fertility treatment or working through grief this Father's Day, know that you're not alone - and support is available.